This week’s Remember Me? comes courtesy of Coach Bombay and the District 5 Ducks. God bless their cotton socks, they overcame adversity not once, not twice, but thrice! And do you think they could have done it without the Cake Eater? I THINK NOT.

If you don’t know what I’m talking about, then get your life together and rent installments 1, 2, and 3 of the classic trilogy The Mighty Ducks. Obviously on par with all the great trilogies, including Star Wars and The Godfather, The Mighty Ducks taught us years before Obama that YES, WE GODDAMN CAN. Sure, Emilio Estevez may have been the star, and yes, Joshua Jackson may have been the team captain, but friends, it was Adam Banks who truly stole the show….so much so that I actually had to look up his real name, because the character of Adam Banks is so ingrained upon my memory (much like Stanley Kowalski and Michael Coreleon) that the man behind the character becomes almost insignificant.

That, my friends, is what we in the biz like to call “sarcasm.” The Mighty Ducks is a terrible movie (which is precisely why I own two copies and watch it every week) but Adam Banks holds a special place in my heart for a very specific reason; mainly because when I lived in LA he used to serve me shots of whiskey with Stella chasers.

Yes, the mighty Adam Banks, once the star player of the Hawks and later a….cooperative member of the Ducks, is now a bartender at Hollywood’s Beauty Bar. Do not get me wrong, bartending is a noble profession and not one to thumb one’s nose at. I have great respect for Adam Banks (which is precisely why I will continue to call him Adam Banks instead of by his real name) and I hope that since 3FING3RS is so very widely read by young and old alike that perhaps this little piece of publicity will get him some fat tips come Happy Hour. This edition of Remember Me? is extremely special because not only are we reminding you of a star from the days of yore, but we are also telling you that you can find him at 1638 Cahuenga Blvd in Los Angeles, California nearly every night. We here at 3FING3RS do not condone stalking, but I can tell you from experience that ordering a drink from a former child star and then quacking at him as he gives you your change is quite possibly one of the most satisfying experiences one can ever have.

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Oh, what a harrowing experience to be a nine year old girl! As a 23 year old woman in the world today, I have to worry about rent, bills, grades, and not getting accidently knocked up by my imaginary boyfriend. But friends, all of that is nothing compared to the death and doom of being nine. Fascist bedtimes, daily forced feedings of vegetables, cooties running rampant; it was a war-zone. Amid all of the chaos, however, there was one beacon of light. One delicate, beauteous creature whose very existence made elementary aged girls sing for joy. I think you know who I mean. We know him by many names: Scott Wormer, Junior Floyd, Casper the Friendly Ghost who turns into Casper the Friendly Pre-Pubescent Boy. Yes friends, today’s Remember Me? here on 3FING3RS features none other than Devon Sawa.

Devon Edward Sawa was born in 1978 in Vancouver. A Canadian! I dated a Canadian once (well, not so much “dated” as “made out with in a hammock in Zanzibar” and let me tell you: they’re good people. He started out on a Canadian kid’s show called KidZone, which I know nothing about. I’m relatively certain I don’t care enough to look it up, so I’m just going to pretend it’s basically the Canadian version of Kid’s Incorporated, which was basically the greatest television show to ever be produced. In 1994 he was cast alongside Rick Moranis and Ed O’Neill in Little Giants. In case you guys were wondering, my dad took me to see Little Giants after I made him come pick me up from a birthday party because after cake and ice cream, everyone started watching The X- Files and I didn’t go for that noise. At the time, I was just getting over a very traumatizing recurring nightmare involving a giant, rabid horse gobbling up my family in the middle of the night and spitting their brains out into the hallway, so that supernatural shit just wasn’t my thing. Also, I was 8. What kind of 8 year old watches The X-Files? That noise was scary.

AT ANY RATE, in Little Giants he played Junior Floyd, the Pee-Wee football prodigy who the two feuding teams each wanted to have play for them. He was also the love interest for the little girl who loved to play football but thought in order to get Junior to like her that she would have to stop being such a big fat lez and start wearing blush and join the cheerleading squad. Because obviously if a boy doesn’t like you for who you are, it is your responsibility to change yourself into whatever he wants you to be. I JEST. In the end, Junior ends up telling her that he likes her just the way she is and she goes back to playing football. Shared interests! It was because of this fantastic and ever so unexpected twist in the script that made me, 8 year old Jordin Heath, begin my love affair with Devon Sawa.

After Little Giants Devon went on to be featured in the live action version of Casper. He only had like, 4 minutes of screen time, but you had better believe that I made my parents take me to see that movie 5 times. He then starred in Now and Then, a coming of age movie set in the 70s where Christina Ricci grows up to be Rosie O’Donnell. SAD.

Here for your viewing pleasure is a clip of Devon’s scene in Casper. To get the full effect, go back in time and watch this as an eight year old girl:

After he grew up a bit, Devon went on to star in more “adult” films (not the good kind) like Final Destination and Idle Hands. As it would turn out though, Monsieur Sawa is what we in the biz like to call a “not very good actor” and while he has been working fairly steadily, it’s mostly in movies with titles like Extreme Ops (which would be better if it were called X-TREME OPS because people love capital letters) and Blood Angel.

Devon’s personal life in the last few years has been rather shady. In March of 2005 he was arrested for drunk driving (or, if you are from England, “drink driving” which sounds silly) and then two months later he was arrested again for stealing a car. You would think he’d save up his salary from Little Giants for a down-payment on a Corolla or something, but apparently not. In November of that same year he was arrested for evading arrest, stemming from a parole violation, and then sadly in July of 2006 he got thrown in the slammer for domestic violence and possession of marijuana. So apparently, Casper the Friendly Ghost is a lady beating, car lifting, hop head. It’s a good thing he and I never got together, because my sensibilities are way too delicate for that noise.

So there you have it! Another gem from the past re-discovered. Since Billy’s Remember Me? from last month preceded the outing of Ricky Martin, perhaps Devon Sawa will soon be thrust into the limelight once more. Here’s hoping it’s for something positive, and not because he’s on trial for felony murder.

Welcome, dear friends, to another installment of 3FING3RS’ soon-to-be-famous weekly feature, Remember Me? In case you’ve forgotten, or just stumbled upon us, Remember Me? is our opportunity to take a look back at the stars of yesteryear that have since burned out. We began with my gaybones look into the career of Ricky Martin two weeks ago, and last week, Jordin re-ignited a schoolgirl obsession with a jaunt through the memory of Jonathan Taylor Thomas. (If you have just stumbled upon us, yes, we are a pair of affected weirdos. This really is the shit we care about.)

This week, I’m looking back upon my life as a straight man. I know, I know. You’re thinking, “What? A straight man? Isn’t this the guy who writes 1,000 word critiques of single episodes of Gossip Girl, frequently posts videos of drag queens, and worships Fergie?” (Yea, Fergie. Speak ill of her and I will cut you.) Yes, friends, I am all that gay and more, but there was a time when I wasn’t. There was a time when my heart went all a-flutter for the fairer sex. Sure, it was pre-pubescent, but it existed. And during that time, my torch burned for only one woman.

Am I a tomboy or am I a tomboy? Because I really want you to understand, from this get-up, that I'm a tomboy!

She was a girl who could turn to goo. Or, more accurately, Capri-Sun. Yes, I’m talking about Larisa Oleynik, star of Nickelodeon’s The Secret World of Alex Mack. For those who don’t remember the show, a brief synopsis: Alex Mack was a girl who lived in Paradise Valley with her parents and bitch of an older sister. One day, a truck from the local chemical plant, which her dad works for, hits Alex and exposes her to the chemical GC-161. After that she can do weird things, like turn into the aforementioned Capri-Sun goo. There’s some woman from the plant who wants to get rid of her. Wikipedia has more, but you don’t care. Somehow there were 72 episodes filmed, based on this premise. Ah, children’s TV. Such glorious crap.

Anyway, as much as I liked the show, it wasn’t the spark for my crush. No, I really fell hard when Larisa appeared in the big-screen adaptation of my favorite book series: The Baby-Sitter’s Club. (I’ll pause now for ridiculing laughs and murmurs of “This guy was gay from the womb.” Alright, now that that’s out of your system, may we proceed?) I remember being so excited for this movie and for Larisa’s portrayal of California-girl Dawn, my favorite character. I begged my dad to take me to the movie the weekend it opened and he actually did. (Dad, you were a good guy, entertaining the fancies of your desperately gay son.)

As the four-year run of Alex Mack came to its end, Larisa appeared in 10 Things I Hate About You. I doubt I need to tell you anything about this movie, so let’s just watch the trailer and remember how exciting Heath Ledger was in it:

After the film’s 1999 release, things got pretty quiet for Larisa. She appeared in a few independent films, one of which was 100 Girls. When my neighbor friends and I would have sleepovers, after we’d exhausted the Cinemax soft-core, we would watch this movie because it always aired in the middle of the night. I remember it being quite funny and Larisa playing a lesbian.

She enrolled in college immediately after and graduated from Sarah Lawrence College in 2004. According to Wikipedia, she was cast in the WB’s last new show before it became the CW, the Rebecca Romijn-vehicle Pepper Dennis, which I thought only lasted one episode, but was shocked to learn actually aired thirteen.

After that non-starter, she hasn’t done much else. I’m sure she’s out there somewhere, doing normal people things. But, I hope that every so often, when she’s getting out of the shower, she relives her glory days and tries to turn into a puddle of goo.

Larisa, where ever you are, thank you for being my last, clinging attempt at heterosexuality. You gave me someone to talk about during those awkward years when cute boys wanted to look at girls and I wanted to look at them, instead.

Hello my dearest loves. Today brings to you yet another entry into 3FING3RS’ soon to be famous Remember Me? feature, where we unearth the stars of yesteryear and remind ourselves of how lame we all were for liking such losers. NO NO, I KID. They weren’t losers, we just had bad taste.

Today we look back and remember the boy who was my (and probably your) first crush: Jonathan Taylor Thomas.

GLAMOUR

I couldn’t tell you how many dozens (okay, hundreds) of dollars I spent on magazines like Tiger Beat and Bop for the sole purpose of tearing out pictures of JTT and plastering them all over my walls. I couldn’t tell you, but my dad probably could, since he was the one to tear them all down once I moved away to college. Yeah, still heartbroken, Dad.

So, as you’ll recall, Jonathan Taylor Thomas rose to fame playing the middle son on Tim Allen’s hit show Home Improvement. Isn’t Home Improvement on Nick at Nite now? I stopped watching that channel once Family Matters was considered “vintage” television, because I wasn’t prepared to feel old at the age of 19. AT ANY RATE, Home Improvement was your classic family sitcom: wacky Dad, serious yet lovable Mom, 2.5 attractive children on the verge of adolescence just ripe for the occasional “the more you know” type of episode involving teenage sex or mild drug use. JTT played Randy on the show, and for the life of me I can’t remember one plot line involving him, mainly because I was too busy objectifying him in the way only 11 year old girls can; mainly by imagining that one day his limo breaks down in front of my house and he takes one look at me and falls in love and we spend the rest of our lives playing hopscotch and  eating at the Olive Garden and staying up late so we can sneak downstairs and watch Cinemax when our parents are asleep.

During his stint on Home Improvement, JTT did a little moonlighting in movies and landed himself the role as the voice of Simba in The Lion King. If you were nine in 1995, you know that The Lion King is the best movie LIKE EVER, and since Nathan Lane isn’t exactly pin-up material, Jonathan Taylor Thomas was the boy to crush on, even when portraying a cartoon lion. After The Lion King he went on to make Man of the House, Tom and Huck (where he and Brad Renfro taught us all about slavery and stuff…elementary schools take note: if you employ non-threateningly attractive teenage boys to teach children’s lit, young girls the world over will become English majors) and Wild America. Below is the trailer for Man of the House and I guarantee once it’s finished you’ll be hauling ass to Blockbuster just to rent this gem of a film:

After the world realized 1999 was way lame, JTT kind of fell off the face of the earth. He had some guest stints on shows like “8 Simple Rules for Dating My Teenage Daughter” (worst title ever), “Smallville” and “Veronica Mars” but really, nothing that kept him too relevant. There was a period of time after he played a couple of gay roles in bit films where gossip went around that he himself was gay (which makes sense for me, since literally every boy I’ve been interested in since I hit high school has been interested in other dudes) but he dispelled the rumors and then skipped right back into obscurity. According to Wikipedia, which is where I get all of my information because I am a serious journalist, the last thing he did was direct a short film in 2006 called The Extra.

Jonathan Taylor Thomas may be doing something way boring these days, like starting a family or getting an education, but he taught this girl how to be a woman, and for that, I shall always be grateful. I raise my glass to you, JTT. Please don’t be angry with my dad for throwing your face away.

Welcome, lovers, to the first edition of a weekly feature here at 3FING3RS we like to call “Remember Me?” Each week, we’ll dreg up the memory of a long-forgotten pop culture icon. We’ll look at what brought them to the height of their fame and attempt to find evidence of life, post-flameout. Will it be pretty? Not always. Will it be depressing? Sometimes. Will it be fun? Hell yes! And away we go…

This week finds us reminiscing the man who sprung the Latin craze on America. He who took the world by storm at the Grammy’s so long ago with his hit “The Cup of Life.” That’s right! The one, the only: Ricky Martin.

First of all, how old does it make everyone else feel to know it was a whopping ELEVEN years ago that the star-making Grammy performance occurred? I kid you not, it was 1999 when Ricky took to the stage with his creepy stilted, ribbon-dancing concubines. (Seriously, watch the video below. It’s a trip. The kicker? Look for the shot of Baby JLO at the end of the performance. Feel old now?)

Martin deftly tapped into markets that always turn profit: horny housewives and gays. Here’s this Latin king, who can sing and shake his hips and look so exotic! We ate him up. A string of hits followed “The Cup of Life”: “Living La Vida Loca,” “She Bangs,” and “Nobody Wants To Be Lonely,” his duet with Christina Aguilera.  The well seemed to run dry shortly thereafter.

He constantly fielded suspicion regarding his sexuality, probably because of his huge gay following; or because he could dance; or because, let’s face it, those black leather pants he wore at the ’99 Grammy’s scream “I loves the mens!” Martin adamantly denied being gay whenever questioned, saying he’s gay-friendly, but he’s not gay. Whatever, I guess I believed him. But then he had to go and have those twins through gestational surrogacy two years ago with no woman visible in his public life and I’m back to thinking “Ricky, who you think you fooling?”

Besides a blip on the radar in 2008 for the aforementioned baby bonanza, Martin largely fell off the map in the early 2000’s. His third album, an attempt to regain the sales charts mojo of his two prior blockbusters, was released in 2005, titled Life, and is something I’ve never heard of. I was shocked to learn it debuted at number 6 on the Billboard Top 200 Album chart.

According to Wikipedia, Martin has been working on an album since last summer and is hoping to have it released this spring. He’s also writing a book. Why? I’m not certain. But, I’ll probably read it.

Below I’ve embedded Ricky’s breakthrough Grammy performance from 1999 and a video released in 2005 for a song from the phantom album, Life. I’m pissed I wasn’t aware of this five years ago. Did Ricky ever look hotter that he does in this?

Ah, Ricky Martin, the world at large may never care about you again, but you and I? We’ll always have la vida loca.