Alright, kids, here’s the rub (after I tell you the rub, please tell me what the hell “the rub” is supposed to mean): Over the past few weeks you’ve gotten used to seeing our feature Fresh Look Friday on…well…Friday. Billy and I mainly decided on this day because 1) we wanted to alternate feature days, and 2) alliteration is awesome. However, after having done it for a few weeks I’ve realized that because of my schedule, a Fresh Look every Friday doesn’t really work too well. You see my lovelies, I have class all day and evening on Thursdays, work all day and have night classes on Fridays, and then get to wake my lazy butt up for a Saturday morning class. Obviously this makes it a little difficult to watch and write about old stuff for Fresh Look, as well as go see new movies and get them reviewed in time. So What do you guys think? A Fresh Look Monday? New feature reviews on Sundays/Mondays? I know getting a movie review at the beginning of the week is kind of janky, but until the doom of school is finished next month, we might just have to make due. Let us know how you feel! We welcome all suggestions; unless of course they are stupid, in which case we will judge you behind your back.

Happy Friday, lovahs. Tonight’s Viral Vision will go up as planned, however it seems as though this week’s Fresh Look Friday may actually turn into Fresh Look Saturday. My wazoo has been busybones all week long and I didn’t catch a chance to watch anything good (or not so good). It’s raining somethin’ awful right now, which means it’s prime veg out time, so I’ll see what I can get watched and written up tonight!

Friends, you may have noticed that our regular Gossip Girl recap was MIA yesterday. And you’ll notice tomorrow that Modern Family’s is missing too. Same for 30 Rock on Friday. There’s a reason for this.

In this past premiere month, we’ve presented you with a lot of content, much of which was really a trial period for Jordin and I. It was an opportunity for us to see what would work and what wouldn’t. The reception that you’ve shown us in this first month has been more than we could have even imagined and for that, we are truly grateful.

However, you will begin to notice some changes. Our unique features, like Remember Me? and Fresh Look Friday, will remain intact, while we’re working on some ideas that will bring even more unique content to the site. We’ll start presenting these ideas next week, beginning with the TV portion of the blog.

For the remainder of this week, look forward to the daily Viral Vision and Jordin’s Fresh Look Friday. And we’ll see you next week with some really exciting new stuff!

Also, if you’re liking what you see, be sure to tell your friends about us and follow us on Twitter: @3FING3RS!

The Gayest. Thing. Ever.

I had meant to post this as my very first Viral Vision a couple of days after the Oscars (or, as I like to call them this year, the day that interesting forgot) but decided against it because I wanted to keep it in my pocket for a rainy day. Now that rainy day has come in the form of spending literally 10 hours in my bed watching season 1 of Kitchen Nightmares and not wanting to do anything else except ogle the craggy faced, cranky dreamboat that is Gordon Ramsay.

get in my mouth

So, my laziness is your gain, because this is actually pretty hilarious. It made the rounds awhile ago, but I still laugh every time I watch it mainly because it’s so unbelievably spot on. From the music swells to the narrated dialogue, this could easily pass for a real movie trailer if people weren’t paying attention (and judging by the fact that The Bounty Hunter made 20 million dollars this weekend, I’m guessing most people aren’t)

Enjoy!

Today’s Viral Vision is a lie because there is little to no vision involved. I thought I’d throw Stevie Wonder a bone since he’s such a devoted reader of 3FING3RS; it is Friday, after all.

It's a good thing I'm blind, because otherwise I might have to cut whoever made me look like this

I came across this little gem some time ago through the site DLISTED, and after listening in horror for two minutes, I just had to sit back and laugh at how ridiculous this guy is. So the story goes, some women were having drinks in Toronto when a man approached one of them and repeatedly asked for her number. She relented and gave him her business card, and he gave her a call (Hear that, boys? He asked for her number AND THEN HE CALLED HER. That’s how that works). The voicemail he leaves is straight up offensive, but the second, follow up voicemail is beyond classic. He literally goes from calling her “a very elegant woman” to telling her that she should look up passive aggressive personality disorder because she failed to call him back. Which I just don’t understand, because who wouldn’t want to date a creepy dude who yells at you over the phone and looks like this:

You'd look even more elegant with your head mounted over my toilet

This video is a recording of the voicemail along with some images someone for some reason thought were funny. Don’t let the pictures distract you from how ridiculous this dude is

This guy’s name is Dimitri, and supposedly, he used to be a doctor in Toronto….until he was stripped of his medical license for sexually assaulting his patients. WINNER. I’ve been having a rough week of the Bridget Jones variety where all I want to do is sit around and chain smoke and eat ice cream and whine about not having a boyfriend, but it’s things like this that make me so glad to be a hermit who stays in on Friday nights watching a week’s worth of Jeopardy on the DVR. At least Alex Trebek treats his ladies with respect.

Today’s Viral Vision comes to you courtesy of Vincent Van Gogh’s severed ear lobe, because if it were alive today, and had thumbs, it would give this glorious music video by French band Hold Your Horses two thumbs way up! Van Gogh himself, on the other hand, would probably whine for a couple of hours and then have a seizure about it.

wah wah wah i'm sensitive

I love things like this because it validates the one Community College Art History course I took by making me look smart to all my friends when I can name every single painting portrayed. It’s like when Jeopardy does Teen Week and you can answer all the questions because they’re basically tailored for 10th graders. You ever  notice how there’s always one pop culture category that no one ever does well in? That’s because smart kids are nerds.

ANYWAY, the song is pretty mediocre, but the concept and execution of the visuals is adorably fantastic, and I’ll bet by the end you’ll be smiling. Also, violin playing goat! Happiness isn’t happiness without a violin playing goat.

Hello lovelies. I feel it has been ages since we last spoke. I know Billy kept you all busy this weekend with his excellent commentary on HBO’s new miniseries The Pactific, a couple of gaybones Viral Visions, as well as a mini review of Lady Gaga’s new music video (which even I liked, even though any mention of Lady Gaga makes my muscles seize up  in fear). I had meant to use the weekend time to go out and see a coupla flicks to review for your spongey brains, but alas! “Alas!” is all you have to say if you don’t want to explain something.

Fear not though, for I woke up early today to pack in a full day of movie watchin, and shall return shortly with a couple of reviews. Of what, I know not for sure, you’ll just have to come back to find out!

this is what pops up when you type "moviesssssssssss!" into google image search

creepalicious

If you, unlike myself, actually have a life, you probably have no idea that today the trailer for Eclipse hit the internet. If you, unlike myself, actually have better things to think about, you perhaps don’t know that Eclipse is the third installment in the Twilight Saga. If you, unlike myself, are an actual mature adult who pays taxes and eats vegetables on a regular basis, you more than likely couldn’t give two drippy poops about anything related to the mindsuck that is Twilight. Luckily, the pretty young English rose in today’s Viral Vision cares enough for all of us.

I want to preface this by letting all of our devoted readers know about my feelings for the cultural phenomenon that is Twilight. Now, it was just over a year ago that I, 22 year old Jordin Heath, was bored on a Tuesday afternoon, so I decided to go see a movie. Unfortunately, I only had about $3.72 in change, so I had to take a trip to the local second-run theater where you can see 6 month old movies for 2 bucks. I decided to see Twilight, and, when I emerged from the theater, I was forever changed. Here is an excerpt of the review I gave it one year ago, and I think it perfectly states how and why I am still so creepily interested in this garbage pail of a series:

This movie is terrible. It is terrible in all the right ways. It’s melodramatic and embarrassing, it’s sappy and takes itself too seriously. Nobody gets drunk, and nobody gets naked. In short, it’s me sophomore year of high school. And considering I totally thought I was the shit in tenth grade (So brilliant! So misunderstood! So still a virgin!) I naturally want to give up all my money to see this shitty movie over and over and over again just to prove a point.*

So okay, there it is. I like Twilight. However, this crazy faced nut from across the pond (that’s the cute way of saying “in England” even though really, there is a pond of motor oil and stagnant sewer water down the street from my apartment, and if I were to cross it, I would be “in Burger King”), this girl REALLY loves Twilight. Like, probably bought a dildo and covered it in glitter so she could pretend she was making sexy times to Edward Cullen sort of love. I cannot abide by such things, because even though a young girl exploring her body is very natural, glitter is the cancer of the craft world and no matter what Jennifer Love Hewitt says, it doesn’t belong inside your cooch.

AT ANY RATE. The trailer for Eclipse premiered today, and our friend decided to record herself watching it for the first time. She’s done this for all of the trailers (be sure to check out the very first one because it’s literally the most terrifying thing I have ever seen) and as a result she’s become a bit of an internet phenomenon. I suggest turning down the volume before pressing play because this girl screams exactly how you think a girl who looks like that would scream, and you don’t want your neighbors thinking you’re doing something weird like breeding velociraptors. Happy trails!

*The point being that I was fucking awesome when I was 15 and should have grossed 368 million dollars worldwide.

How fitting that the first film related post here on 3fing3rs is a re-cap of last night’s not-so-shockingly predictable Oscar telecast! Everyone who everyone else thought would win, did, which made for a pretty boring and uneventful evening; a couple of upsets never hurt anybody, Oscar (I’m looking at you, Sandra Bullock).

We here at 3fing3rs spent the night live-Tweeting the whole event giving minute by minute updates that mostly involved Billy, who prefaced his Tweets with the admission he had only seen one nominated film, actually making insightful comments, and myself, who sat around for 10 hours on Saturday night watching the last 4 major nominees I had missed, just yelling obscenities and fawning over various men old enough to be my grandfather. What can I say, I like an old dude in a tux. As the evening progressed, I found myself getting closer and closer to the bottom of a bottle of 2 dollar wine and Oscar found himself getting closer and closer to getting switched off in favor of a re-run of The Golden Girls on the Hallmark Channel.

Buuuuuuuut Oscar knows, no matter how boring he is, and no matter how often he breaks my heart (I’m still mad about Crash), I could never abandon him. And thank Gob I didn’t, because otherwise, how would I be able to tell you the following:

Christoph Waltz won for being good at killing Jews, Mo’Nique won for being good at abusing her daughter, Jeff Bridges won for being good at being patient for 40 years, and Sandra Bullock won for being good at being mediocre in a Lifetime Original Movie. The Hurt Locker‘s Mark Boal took home the prize for Best Original Screenplay, even though nowhere in his script did Hitler get machine gunned in the face, and, in what was probably the one mild surprise of the night, Precious‘ Geoffrey Fletcher beat out Up In the Air for Best Adapted Screenplay. In a SHOCKING UPSET IN CAPITAL LETTERS, The Pixar lovefest that is Up won Best Animated Feature, and in what maybe was a big deal but I don’t know since I was too busy watching Twilight alone in my bed to see any of the Best Foreign Language Feature films, El Secreto de Sus Ojos from Argentina gave the ol’ eff you to France’s Un Prophete and Germany’s The White Ribbon. Exes Kathryn Bigelow and James Cameron were the front runners for Best Director for The Hurt Locker and Avatar, respectively, and Bigelow gave ex-wives everywhere the hope that they too could one day direct a movie about bomb diffusers in Iraq and then bash their husbands’ heads in with a 7 pound naked golden man holding a sword. The Hurt Locker also very deservedly won the top prize of Best Picture, so if you haven’t seen it, rent it immediately and then tell all your friends you saw it last year in theaters and think it’s “truly a triumph in classical filmmaking;” preferably while in line for frozen yogurt so that strangers can overhear you and think you’re smart.

So, there you have it! If you want a complete list of all the winners, you’re dumb because who even knows what “Sound Mixing” is. But, because I like you, I’m going to take time out of my very busy schedule of watching Frasier to list them all out, so don’t say I never did anything for you.

If you want to re-live the magic, follow us on Twitter  @3fing3rs

BEST PICTURE
WINNER: The Hurt Locker

BEST DIRECTOR
WINNER: Kathryn Bigelow, The Hurt Locker

BEST ACTRESS
WINNER: Sandra Bullock, The Blind Side

BEST ACTOR
WINNER: Jeff Bridges, Crazy Heart

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS
WINNER: Mo’Nique, Precious

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR
WINNER: Christoph Waltz, Inglourious Basterds


BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY
WINNER: Mark Boal, The Hurt Locker

BEST ADAPTED SCREENPLAY
WINNER: Geoffrey Fletcher, Precious

Best Foreign Language Film
WINNER: El Secreto do Sus Ojos (Argentina)

Best Animated Film
WINNER: Up

Best Documentary
WINNER: The Cove

Best Editing
WINNER: The Hurt Locker


Best Visual Effects
WINNER: Avatar

Best Song
WINNER: “The Weary Kind,” Crazy Heart, T-Bone Burnett & Ryan Bingham


Best Score
WINNER: Up

Best Cinematography
WINNER: Avatar

Best Sound Mixing
WINNER: The Hurt Locker


Best Sound Editing
WINNER: The Hurt Locker

Best Costume Design
WINNER: The Young Victoria

Best Art Direction
WINNER: Avatar


Best Makeup
WINNER: Star Trek

Best Live-Action Short
WINNER: The New Tenants

Best Documentary Short
WINNER: Music by Prudence


Best Animated Short
WINNER: Logorama

Source for winner’s list: Entertainment Weekly